Whitney Houston - Saint or Sinner?

We’re a funny people. We tend to see things in extremes. Whitney Houston’s death is a prime example.

The first rush was to canonize her as one of the greatest voices of our time, perfection. And this is true. So she’s a saint.

Then came a second round of judgment, vilifying her for her addiction, resulting in the loss of her fabulous vocal range and, perhaps, of her life. So now she’s a sinner.

Maybe it’s difficult to be the vessel for a voice like that. Maybe it’s a burden as well as a blessing. Maybe she did not always make the best choices. Maybe she’s a saint and a sinner. Maybe she was just doing the best she could.

During an interview with Oprah where Oprah was pushing Whitney pretty hard about her drug use, Whitney said about her husband Bobby Brown, “He was my drug.” She shared how she asked God to give her just one day of strength and she would leave what the whole world witnessed in their reality show Being Bobby Brown as a toxic relationship. That one day came and she left. Here’s where we get into that extreme thinking again. She was out of the toxic situation so she should be fine now, right?

Well, no. See, the thing with addiction is that walking away, breaking free is only the first step. After that the real work begins. At that point, free from him and trying to free herself from drugs, she may have experienced painful clarity about how deep in the mire she was. She might have been looking back in disbelief, wondering how and why she allowed what she did. There’s a lot of shame and a lot of pain. Shame and pain are emotions that are tough to bear when you’re feeling strong but when you are vulnerable? It’s easy to understand why the numbing effect of drugs would be a temptation.

Relapse is the norm, not the exception.

So maybe Whitney Houston was neither a saint nor a sinner.  Maybe she was just an immensely talented woman trying to find her way. Maybe we can remember her for her glorious voice and her love for her daughter and family. And we can choose to believe that she did the very best she could and hope that she is finally at peace.

My Merry Mom Made Marmelade

Progress! I just had my third voice rehabilitation session. I am pleased to report that my voice is... improving! Jennifer Keyges, my therapist, noted that my voice is less scratchy and I am able to sustain notes longer and with better quality. She deemed me ready to go to the next level. This is the tool to help me get there.

Yes,  a kazoo!

The exercises I have been doing thus far centered around the middle of the body stack that we use to speak and sing.  At the bottom is respiration (diaphragm and lungs). In the middle is phonation (the vocal folds)  and at the top is resonance (mouth, nose).

We've been mostly working on phonation because of the damage to my vocal chords. As I've been working to sustain sounds, there has been some breath work involved and there will be more as I progress.  But now I am ready for resonance work.

Which brings me to the kazoo. As I was focused on taking a deep breath to sustain the sounds in the first set of exercises, I had some trouble switching from the gentle expelling of air to the "hum" necessary now. To play a kazoo, you don't blow, you hum. So these exercises start with a hum of the sound on the kazoo for about two or three seconds and then flow into chanting voiced "m" or "n" exercises. It begins with molm, molm, molm and goes to meem, meem, meem, and then moom, moom, moom. If I didn't feel silly enough doing that... we moved to sentences.

Like:

Mary made me mad.
My mom may marry Marv.
My merry mom made marmalade.

None know nothing now.
Nine knew nothing.
Name nine new names now.

I am becoming more and more aware of how I produce sound and where in my body the sound travels.

My assignment for the next few weeks is to continue the original exercises and add resonance chanting three to five times a day. I am happy to do this. My voice feels stronger and I find myself singing in the car a bit. I'm not ready for singing publicly but now believe it will happen one day. I'm so grateful.