Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Maria Shriver & Transitions

I recently watched this YouTube video of Maria Shriver. It was posted on AOL before her divorce plans were in the news. I was struck by how desperate she seemed. I admire this woman, especially the work she has done since leaving television to be the First Lady of California. Her women's project is inspiring and far reaching. She always seemed so fearless, so self-assured, so centered. Yet in this clip she looks frail, her luxurious hair seems thin, her shoulders rounded. She looks lost. Even her smile at the end seemed more like a grimace. I wondered why this transition out of government life would be so difficult. She's doing incredible, important work; is loved and admired by many, has so many talents and strengths.

Then I heard the news, not only had her husband been unfaithful but it was with a family staff member and he has a thirteen year old son from the relationship. Blam! Now I understood completely. That transition. Life as she knew it, is over. The man she loved best in the world, the person she trusted above all others, the man she had devoted her life to, made sacrifices for, fathered her children... is a liar and a cheat. She is in shock and the repercussions from this shock will take her years, maybe the rest of her life, to recover from. I have complete faith in her ability to do this. But my heart breaks for her, aches for her.

I know that no matter how hard she tries to not have it so, those newly faced horrors are hammering in her mind every waking moment. He cheated. He lied. I know this woman. There is a child. Approximate age of my youngest. He's known for ten years and kept it from me while he cared for her and her son. What else don't I know? How could he? Why would he? He's hurt me. He's hurt my children. I have slept next to and with a man who is a stranger. Who is he? Worse, who am I?  How did I not know? I am so humiliated. I have wasted my love on a liar and a cheat. What else has he lied about?

And then, when she gets past those big questions, she'll start examining the details. She'll realize more and more how deep the deception runs. How he has looked her in the eye for years and told her he loves her while he was having an affair and has another child. She'll start looking around her home, wondering. How could this woman be in my home and sleeping with my husband? She'll start piecing together the times she trusted and was deceived. She'll look at family photos from the past and wonder how he could do that. How he could pose as a devoted husband and father while he was committing adultery? She'll be haunted by what else she doesn't know.

But eventually, and for her sake I hope it does not take her as long as it took me, she'll realize what he did is on him. She did nothing to deserve that level of betrayal. No matter what difficulties there may or may not have been in their relationship, there is no right in his wrongs. If your needs aren't being met in your marriage, tell your partner. Love is a verb. Love and respect your partner enough to be honest and get help. If the problem is unresolvable, end the marriage with grace and dignity and respect. Only then look elsewhere.

The damage from this level of betrayal runs deep, right down to the cellular level, and requires so much work to heal. And she'll have to try and heal herself while also tending to her wounded children. Everywhere she looks her life is enmeshed with his and now she has to decide what life will look like from here on out. No wonder the poor woman is fumbling with questions about transitions.

I realize now that what I recognized in this video is her vulnerability, bewilderment, and pain. I recognized it because I have been there. She is lost. She is hurting. She is reaching out. She is also a survivor. She'll work her way through this. She'll do what is right for her children. Something he clearly gave little thought to as he took care of his own ego and needs. And she'll do it with as much dignity and grace as she can muster.

She is grieving the loss of her parents, her family of origin, and now she has to deal with the end of a marriage that was never what she thought it was or wanted it to be. When she most needs him, most needs to be loved and cherished, she has been disrespected. She now has to grieve the loss of her created family. She thought her family was a mother, a father, and four children. Now she knows there was at least one mistress and one other child. Who knows what else is hidden.

It does not matter how beautiful, intelligent, talented, generous you are. For some men, nothing is ever enough. They foolishly believe that if the wife doesn't know there will be no harm. The lie is the harm. And it will come out. What may have been a delicious affair for him is really just a pathetic secret. And as the saying goes, you're as sick as your secrets.

At the time of the video above, she knew the secret and was playing it close to the vest. Which brings me to my suggestions for how to handle the transition. First, no secrets. Face what you know. Just name the truth, no matter how painful. Walk right through that fire because the only healthy way out is through. Know that you will lose some friends, especially if you refuse to offer excuses or minimize the reality. There will be people who do not find it convenient to see the wrong. Most people will just want you to move on and pretend everything is fine. Get divorced, play nice, pretend. Don't do it! It is soul sucking. There is a huge difference between dealing with the truth and staying stuck or bitter. Get professional help. Friends are wonderful but will not be around for the length of time it takes to heal this. If you are doing all the work necessary people will think you are just not letting go and moving on. If he has power, and her husband certainly does, some people will not want to endanger their connection to that power.  Take good care of yourself. Take all the time you need to fully heal. Be very, very kind to yourself. Practice good self-care. Review the people in your life. Ferret out all the folks you thought were trustworthy and you now see are moral relativists. Let go of the toxic relationships. Treasure the people who understand and are supportive. Find some more new supportive friends. When you are able to stand again, follow your passion. You no longer have to make all your life decisions based on what he needs. Take care of you. Eventually you will forgive but it takes time. And it is not a single act but rather an ongoing process. Know you are beautiful and strong and will get through this. And know that you can take as long as it takes to do so. You're worth it.


  1. Great post, Jude! A deep bow of gratitude to you for your thoughtful look at what's happening to Maria Shriver, and your courage in gifting us, your readers, with what you've learned. There's a handbook for survivors in that last paragraph, you know--a wonderful distillation of your hard-earned wisdom. Thank you.

  2. Susan I appreciate your comment so much, especially your kind words about a handbook. It is my fervent desire to try and reach out and help any other woman experiencing this kind of trauma. I know how busy you are right now and keep you and Richard in my warmest thoughts. I am touched that you made time to respond so I also bow to you!

  3. I second Susan's comment, Jude--thanks for taking such careful look at this. The truth is, like it or not, all of us, at some time, face the issues of betrayal, loss, and transition. Here's what I learned when I faced them: Your advice about being open about what's happening is spot on. No secrets. It's hard getting there. It's painful and humiliating. But here's the payoff--once you've gotten there, it's a place of enormous power. Having your worst secrets told means that those secrets can no longer control you or your behavior. You are free to act as you truly choose, in every circumstance, without consideration for what others might thing, or what hidden fact this might reveal about you. Telling the secrets, and then living a life that prevents the formation of new ones, is incredibly liberating. I'd tell Maria that these are hard times, but if she can hold her head up and stay open, honest, and ethical as she passes through it in the end she'll find herself enriched, not belittled, by the experience. She has nowhere to go but up.

  4. Oh indeed! Having all the secrets out is very liberating. I've noticed though, that some people who were part of my life will never will accept the truth. And I don't mean truth in the "your truth vs. my truth" debate. I mean plain old facts. Or if they accept a fact, they minimize it and tell you to "get over it." I just love that comment! What the heck do they think we are trying to do by telling the truth and refusing to pretend there are no consequences? That is the long hard path to getting through it as opposed to getting over it. Huh, that sounds like a good future blog post! Might be a way to tap into that enormous sense of power you referred to in your comment?

  5. You're right--people's ability to deny demonstrable fact never ceases to amaze me. You're also right about doing the work to get through it, rather than over it, being the best (actually only) way to truly move beyond the hard stuff. And you're also right, I think, that that's the way to tap into the power looking such circumstances in the face honestly can bring. Wow! A trifecta!

  6. Very strong blog Jude. I'm sure you're a stronger woman for writing it. I, too, had a deceiving husband, and for 20 years took the blame upon myself because my children were hurt. I'm just not beginning to believe it wasn't my fault. Thanks for your wise words Jude.

  7. Oh Pat, I know what you mean! Why is it that the parent who stays feels so much guilt and sorrow over the trauma inflicted on the child? According to a recent AOL story, even adult children are traumatized by divorce, It may be that we feel it more because, as we stayed, we witness on a daily basis the children's struggle to heal. I'm sorry it took 20 years to finally release the blame. But, look at you now! I suggest all my readers click on the link in my blog roll at right to your blog, Travels With Maggie, to see what a sassy 70 plus woman is doing!